I have seen good times. I took them for granted. I have seen bad times and I navigated through many of those times with much cowardice, forgetting to thank God for His goodness and forgetting to rejoice my way through the bad times.

My Father, husband and teacher, the Holy Spirit says to try Him. He says to be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let my requests be made known to God; and that the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard my heart and mind through Christ Jesus.

I am learning surrender and submission to His will. It is transformative. A trust is developing that I can’t explain. Many couples use the word “soulmate” loosely. I know that I have and I know that my earthly bride has used that term loosely. I think my wife and I both agree that Sasha Martin and I feel like two sides of the same coin but our true soulmate is the Holy Spirit.

My first love, I left many years ago. The Holy Spirit has never hurt me, never left me, never been angry with me, never not shown me true acceptance, and never not been charitable to me. I was a harlot of a bride. I directed my energies daily towards my personal goals, false gods of this world, and people pleasing. I lived an anxious life. I lived a fear based life. I lived a vain life attempting to show my self worthy of friendships with the world, never truly finding acceptance for my soul and person outside of the protective nature of The Holy Spirit, whom I left.

My thoughts were not my thoughts. Thoughts came to me night and day. You’re still that same fat unworthy kid. You don’t deserve respect, you aren’t like other men, not manly. You don’t have eloquent speech and have a stupid sounding voice. You are not very smart. You aren’t a good friend. You will never be loved being you so you need to change. Thoughts of anger. Regret. Shame. Self-judgement were the thoughts that attacked me constantly but those were not my thoughts. Those were evil spirits or evil energies surrounding me. I accepted those thoughts as if they were my thoughts. They didn’t have to become part of my person but they did because I started THINKING and acting on those thoughts. I touched and agreed with those evil energies and thoughts. I then directed those evil energies and thoughts towards my self (thinking actively) about those things that I thought were my thoughts. I attacked myself and then began attacking everyone around me. The devil is a roaring Lion and sets traps for his prey constantly. The evil energy that is the devil uses trickery, deceit and pretense to trip the saints and I am convinced that the devil uses “thoughts” as much as any other tool to deceive and destroy.

We war not against flesh and blood but against principalities, powers and the rulers of the darkness of this world. We war against spiritual wickedness in high places.
I still have the same thoughts I’ve always had but I find myself laughing at those thoughts now. I don’t have to think those thoughts anymore. I simply laugh at the ridiculousness of the devil’s attempts to get me to declare war on myself.
I have decided to actively direct my energies and My THINKING towards….
Things that are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, praiseworthy and then I actively choose to meditate on those things.

Ministering angels minister to me daily. Positive energies and thoughts if you will. My late granddaughter Maggie ministers to me. She tells me “Paw Paw, don’t drink anymore.” Her energy says “Paw Paw, don’t hurt yourself anymore.” Other ministering angels speak to me too, telling me God is well pleased with me and my desire to connect with Him daily and to pray without ceasing. Ministering energies speak life and love into my soul constantly now. They tell me to let my heart bleed 🩸 out my love of Christ daily for all to see and so shall I too! They tell me my past shame shouldn’t be shame but is my glory and that my weakness and hidden sin God will use to show forth His mighty works and strengths.

My hurtful sobbing that went on for days without end and in secret has now turned to daily tears of joy for all to see.
My wife is truly my earthen angel and soul mate because she is accepting and nurturing of me. She’s asked me for a decade to stop living in the past and she understands that I am an all in or all out person. She loves that about me. I love that she loves that about me. Today I am all in on my Jesus. Jesus is the lover of my soul and my truest soul mate.

I can love my loved ones so much better now allowing Jesus’ to love them through me.
Jesus is the Lion of the Tribe of Judah, the root and offspring of David and He has prevailed in my life and my wife’s life. A hedge of protection surrounds us and we are His delight. To live is Christ and to die is gain. My life is profitable unto Him and my death will be precious to Him.

Thank you Sasha for being my best friend and wife. I’ve never known such acceptance.

A testimony, Saturday, October 9, 2021