Paul says…

Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?

I’ve never liked examinations.

I prefer to keep my head in the sand and hope the problems I created go away.
I had an amazing experience of grace on August 21, 2021. Until recently, it had been an easy walk. Imitating Christ as best as I could daily. I let go of fear, judgement, guilt and regret. I had faith that I was made perfect by God’s strength which lifted me above my weakness. If I messed up, I easily forgave myself and got back up in the saddle of faith. I just had a knowing everything was going to be ok.

I maintained a gentle and loving spirit. I practiced self-acceptance and acceptance of others. It has been like my view of the world had been in black and white but turned to full color. It’s been glorious.

Yet, the last couple of weeks and daily, I’ve not been able to stay on the narrow way as easily. I think that’s the key word, “easily”. It’s been increasingly harder daily. I’ve been transparent about the ease of walking in Christ since August 21, 2021 so I also want to be transparent about the increasing difficulties I’m experiencing.

I’m still giving the first fruits of each day to the Lord. I’m still exhilarated before, during and after prayer and devotion but something is off.

I’ve been reading and studying a lot more and at time’s I find myself judging myself again over what I’ve read rather than rejoicing that my life is now hid in Christ. It seems the more I engage in self judgement the more I judge others looking for some reason to feel better about my own self.

As I examine myself, I realize that some of the grace period God granted me is over. Not meaning that im not experiencing the grace of God daily but rather that my faith has had more need to be exercised daily. Not as much of my faith walk has been as easy lately. Emotionally, physically and spiritually the walk has been a little more challenging.

I’m finding it increasingly diffficult to avoid self judgement, grant myself mercy, or keep a sound and stable mind. I catch myself living in fear more often. “What if this happens? What if that happens? That will be bad.” Yet, I’m supposed to exercise faith and feel “No matter what happens God is with me and it will work out.” Im increasingly trying to do things myself again and for myself.

Im reminded this morning that im not god and when I try to be, im a very bad god. Im reminded again this morning that God is God and it is God that I worship and keeps me and my mind sound and stable.

Paul says that we shouldn’t judge others and that we shouldn’t even judge our own selves.

It’s through our own judgements that we lose child like faith and wonder. It’s through our own judgements we become wise to the world but fools to God. It’s through our own judgements that the walk of faith becomes difficult and the color fades. It’s through our own harsh judgements that we lose joy and peace.

Today and today only I will try to Surrender my judgements on the altar of sacrifice. I will do so unto God asking God to please allow the honeymoon to be extended a little longer.

I’m thankful for this little trial. It is an opportunity to get back in the faith by exercising unwavering child like faith so that my faith may go stronger.

Thank you Lord for being the lover of my soul and for keeping me. I’m reminded today that I am weak and you are strong. You are able to rearrange my chemistry, speak health to my bodily cells and to fix whatever is going astray with me. I need you and Surrender to you before the household of faith. Please help me see clearly today.
Bless the name of the Lord.

A testimony Thursday, October 28, 2021